Maybe I will look back one day at me and my 18 year old thoughts and my 18 year old decisions and think, 'What. An idiot.' But in the meantime, every moment lived is as real as it gets. Every day that rolls a round is a new day - a first experience. I hope my adult self remembers that in the midst of all the judgement and cynicism and jadedness. That every single moment is a moment freshly lived, and every moment is my first try at this. 
And every moment is also my last try at this.

What is real? Now is real. The emotions of today are real. The people of today are real. Life is real. Even if things get worse or better in the future, it doesn't change the fact that this part of life (even if it lasted for only a moment) was, and is real.
And because we forget that life is so real, we also forget that God is real too. I think we tend to separate the real and the ideal in our minds, and with the ideal, God's there, but with the real, that's categorized under 'shit I need to sort out on my own and which I wish did not exist'.

I fall into that trap too. God is fluffy and full of love. I am coarse and human.
But let's be real. Let's stop being walking shadows and shells. Let's be real. It is hard to be real in a world full of holograms. You start to forget you are real. And then we start to make God out to the world like he's some part of a fairy tale.

That is for now. What about the future?
I really have no idea. How will things change? How will I change? And to be honest, I am afraid.

For today, there are things that I don't want to do, places that I don't really want to be at. In a moment, reality will come back. I will remember that I have prelims in 2 weeks, and I have service to attend and cell to lead today. Those are all real too.

What did I learn about the church while seeking God outside of it? 

That people are still showing up to celebrate after all these years even though the church is flawed and broken and beautiful and has a shameful, ugly side to it that I’ll bet it wishes it didn’t have and repeatedly tries to hide. Just like me. Just like you. Just like always.

So tell me who - who will journey with me, who will remind me.
So tell me where - where I can find my safe house.
So tell me when - when I can find that space of comfort within the routine of each week.

So tell me.

'It's just a place where you know - this is my safe house. You don't need to be always talking to each other every single day, or even know the detail of every single thing. But what you do know is this: that these are people who's got my back. These are people who are always watching out for me. That's what it's supposed to be like.
To me at least.'

So tell me.

Really grateful :)